dancing drunk and stupid.

edit to dancey dancing. I was at D D’s not VFW. Chopper was not in town, VFW is where he goes and thats where I knew alot of the people there from.

old bidy with cats… i mean fish.

i have come to realize that i will always be alone, i will grow old and alone and have noone. intimately that is, no soul mate… no other half, not even a shadow to call myown… i am destined for the rare infatuation and even rarer one nighters if even that…i am suffering my mortailty. and suffering alone.

and i dancey danced my feet off!

and I am drunk…a little. and it was a blast and i met soooo many friends and some strangers ive become aquainted with thru the lovely scene that is dj night at certain bar. YAY CHOPPER! anyway i met this cool kinda feminate guy who walks in stillettoes and has a roommate of three days and will be here for a eyar and he hasnt told his roommate hes gay… infact, he told his roommate he was going to walmart and then came to the gbls party, it was hella tonna fun and pain in heels but FUN! the drink helped a little, i was told I dont look or act my age which i take as a personal comment!!!=S compliment >.>. and I sooohave to be up in about 5 and a half hours and there were performers and the sendon one kissed my cheek and i didnt have any moey for her attention she just did it because i yelled sexy to her and the other one OMG she was fucking HOT and when she danced and then flipped and theeeen did a split the gay friend named brant said he felt hisballs break just by her doing that because technically they are men who were once men, and dammmmmn the last act was sooo hot toooo. and i went outside after the electric slide and the cha cha and then i met up with MORE old friends and then i got a ride home and found out one of my employees got carted off to eht cop shop for underage drinking and bringing a bottle of vodka into the …bar? ok gotta sleep now but first a note to someone…..

this is where it starts, this is where it will end…

6 a.m. Christmas morning
No shadows
No reflections here
Lying cheek to cheek
In your cold embrace

So soft and so tragic
As a slaughterhouse
You press the knife
Against your heart
And say,
“I love you, so much you must kill me now”

I love you
So much you must kill me now

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Digging your smile apart
With my spade tongue
The hole is where the heart is
We built this tomb together
And I won’t fill it alone

Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart
This is where it starts…
Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart
This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

6:19 and I know I’m ready
Drive me off the mountain
You’ll burn
I’ll eat your ashes
The impossible wheels seducing
Our corpse

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back
Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back

This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

Here comes the moon again

Here comes the moon again
                                                                                            ~If I was Your Vampire by Marilyn Manson

Tempted to start anew

I was tempted to write to you. after the status changes… i did and I;m sorry they held so much scorn. That wasn’t me before you left. I had actually tried to move on…went so far as making out with a much shorter tho very built Mexican man, he spoke no english and so wasn’t a threat to me granted I had been drinking and he even bought me a drink. so… i read your latest blog and my heart hurt from the mere realization you found someone before i did even tho she doesnt want your love? where as I feel i cannot love and you are continually on my mind. and I have to admit it was not to another josh that text that I no longer remember… it was me trying to get away from my feelings for you. because you hadn’t talked to me in forever and i was hurt and you said we would still be friends only to drop off the face of the earth. because even though you said you’d call you never did and when you did and i asked you you said you did but there was no proof… either way we had begun growing apart only i was still stuck, stunted, still stunted and unable to find love outside of my family and i feel sorry for myself. and friends came and went and a new cycle begins… shes trying to hook us up with other women. and she is a large beautiful married woman whom i wouldnt mind kissing but I don’t want anything from them besides their friendship and they too shall pass as much as two of them want me in their weddings… my pessemistic self showing its horrid face again. Im good at playing the normal happy content. better than the homicidal/ suicidal malcontent on the inside.and all i want is to have you hold me in our bed again. a year gone since youve gone and you have found someone to hang the moon and stars and your hopes and dreams on, while i sit in the darkness… and most of your texts that i did get weren’t for me they were for my family and that hurt too. I’m sorry i couldnt be your everything and im sorry you hit me so hard its hard to get unstuck and im sorry that it didnt work out and that we couldnt get past ourselves or eachother. there was a time i would have dropped everything to be your wifey but im also glad it never came to that because i can’t see myself there anymore yet i pine. I told you that i have only ever been in love once but you made it there. I understand that now, you are my big # 2 and who knows if there will ever be a third? will I die without ever finding my own soulmate? it seems every one is in the process of getting married or having children…i’m getting old i think. and i think death whispers in my ear that maybe a nicelongnap will suffice, i want to cry for thinking these thoughts, and i came to vent how i felt about you who hurt me and to vent at lifes unfairness and just to see if you had written anything on the blog you started for a girl you couldnt meet but wanted to love only to find that you still did, almost ruined my intentions. I didnt want to write what my lips refused to say to you if you were still writing on the offchance you read this but I’m not afraid, you have come and gone. and I am tempted to delete everything and start afresh. where the only eyes seeing this are my own.

you would like to keep intouch and I want to too but I won’t reply to you because even though it seems we unintentionally cut eachother out of eachothers lives, we are past eachother and you are in love again and i am going to cry because of jeleousy , because the simple fact you love someone hurts my heart so bad that I know I’m still not over you and i should be… that we didnt work because your hopes and dreams changed with the shifting seasons. and I hope that you and your family are well in life and that I can get on with mine and find mr? misses? right. if only to get over this damn ball in my throat when i see your face and if i delete you from my friendslists its because i love you too much to stay away and its the only way to do it. this chapter in my life 1 year gone on too long is closed and you along with it because staying in touch is too much torture. Wondering why you don’t call or write worrying about you and then seeing your face and your updates and knowing its for your friends and not anything I would be or could be involved in and it hurts to know you hurt but what can i do but be a sympathetic ear and wrench my heart out as you blurb and blather on about another woman? I can’t do that to myself. I’m sorry. anything else to gladly hear your voice again whispering sweet everythings in ny ear… so tempted to just erased everything.

You said it seemed the World was against you…

Why?

Why would a man lay a hand on a woman?

Why would a woman take it?

You can’t live on love alone,

Why would you try to die for it?

You’ve seen love’s ups and downs

Witnessed the smiles and the frowns.

You see the tears from all sorts of love.

Painful…my heart breaks for you.

breaks for your love.

When he hits you, he should picture his mother’s face…

and wonder why his hand is raised

Then wonder why your love is so unconditional

that you would stand there and take it, emotional;

But you still stand under him.

Under him because if you were his equal,

as lovers are, you wouldn’t be hit by him.

You wouldn’t be abused by him or be accepting of it…

like a bowed dog who comes to her master;

tail between her legs…

just for a pet or a good fuck.

I LOVE YOU!

You are the closest thing I’ve come to a lesbian love affair!

Granted no feelings of lust or any sexual shit, but still…

You are my sister and my heart breaks for you.

And if your mother knew he hit you what would she do?

The World isnt against you-

Its crying for you…and hoping you open your eyes.

This goes out to you, magpie… as close as a sister could be without blood.

:)

I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited to go to the ren fest.. I am HORNY. I am up at 2:10 in the morning contemplating life and all the branches that spawn from mine in general. Life isn’t all great but its decent. I guess it doesn’t help when one fires a friend, but life has to go on and I have to sleep to take care of the niece and nephew @ 6 in the morning…

Life is looking up a little and I thank those who played a part in it.

“It’s the friends you can call at 4 in the morning that matter.” ~ Marlene B.

Consternation of a poisoned apple.

Pros: I LOVE YOU, You are a gentleman. You can be brilliant. You will be a great chef. You can give me multiple orgasms at times <smirk>. I can wear your clothes. We both love garage sales. I want to be seen with you, I like holding your hand<even in public> you clean, you cook, you call me your motivation, you treat me like a queen and make me feel beautiful.

 

Cons: You smoke. You smoke. You rarely call, and even more rarely come over. It was better when you were half way across the country than it is with you three hours away. My friend says it’s my expectation of being able to touch/ see you more that isn’t being lived up to.  I drink… you drink, but not with eachother or in the same scene. Our music differences are miniscule but they are there. Our movie tastes are different… Sometimes things just need to be thrown away and you’re a bigger packrat than I am. You like to spend when you can and sometimes when you can’t. I can be that way too, but mostly I don’t like buying anything but books and some odd and very cheap trinkets and that’s when I have money burning a hole thru my pockets. Besides being packrat garage sale junkies we have nothing else on common ground. The weak crying girl in me that I don’t want to have comes out with you sometimes. You can be so moody too, and you won’t let me in. I think our age and maturity levels are a con simply because we want different wants out of life.

I’m content to be a hermit, you like friends. Your focus is on building a career, mine is more of being a homebody and being settled. Lately our silences have been heavy, instead of the carefree no need to talk because even the silence says “I love you” with each breath, silences. The worry of money when it comes to gas, and food, and the necessities are always on your mind, even when it pertains to visiting me. And what am I gonna do? I work every day except Sunday, have my mom drive me up? Stay a couple hours and have her drive me back down just to see you? You had been bald for how long before i got even a pic of it?

 you broke up with me…..

 

I endured you staring at me that whole day and the day after, then near the end of that day you say you don’t want “us” to end. Of course i take you back. Mom now thinks you came simply to break up with me and that you are cheating on me. I can’t tell if you are or aren’t but i trust and have faith that you would tell me if you found someone that you would then let me go. And so I stand by “us”. Our 1 yr anniversary is coming up…

How much longer will we stay together? Will you rethink breaking up? Will I? Are we doomed? Did i cause it?

Origami hell!

Life can be hell sometimes. It’s more of a hell for some than others. Origami… hell… but…. Once the pieces are folded and shaped correctly…it could be a beautiful thing. Unlike the origami lily I tried to make today! Even with directions I was basically stumbling in the dark. Made many mistakes and in the end stapled every… single… corner… just so it stayed looking like a lily…. Then when I used the scissors to “roll” the paper where the petals would have gone… whoops! I ripped half the petal off! Mistakes, incorrect folds… cut corners and stapled/ forced unity….Ya got to love origami hell. The finished product looked a bit worn for wear but still discernable, even kind of pretty… in its own unique way.

Trees… Oh to be a tree… You sprout from a seed, a bulb, a root, a cutting from another tree…. You grown sometimes big, strong and beautiful, sometimes scraggly, other times you grow so crooked one can only tell you are a tree by your size and anatomy… root, long trunk, canopy….never mind the trunk bends upside down, or a bit to one side, then the other, then straight up then sideways again, theeeen  down. And when you die you remain, to rot and give nourishment to the surrounding ground. Or you get cut and made into sawdust, paper, charcoal, cat liter, gardening wood chips, and who knows what else… then when that’s done, once again… you are left to rot in the long lived death where your remains are disposed of. Or you are reused and made into many things in your afterlifetime, least of which is furniture. Like particle board! Ya got to love particle board furniture. It is so weak and so light, yet makes decent looking things that don’t last for CRAP! Yes a tree lives a relatively peaceful life until their death….. and origami…is one ring and layer of their hell, giving me hell. To fold is simple, to create flora, fauna and inanimate objects’ with folded paper, divine!

 

Corrupt and corroded….

ME: Hey, how do I download movies off the net?

HIM: um… Idk I’ve never done it.

ME: yes u have. Isn’t that how you got your best porn?

That’s how the convo started; He then tried to teach me how to download a program with much trial and error on my part. While the program downloaded I asked how he was. It wasn’t good. It never is with him. That man has always had a cloud over him someone, himself included, always deathly sick. Somewhere in the boredom of teaching such a nooblet how to download programs and open them he shows me a pic of some tidbit of lingerie his girlfriends sister bought. He thought he looked good in it. “Always the panty twister” I thought to myself and then typed it. His reply to that was how he had jacked off at work in his office into a sink conveniently located within said office and about the triumph that he wore a different thong to work every day of the last week. I was having troubles downloading the program and then later the file I was supposed to try. File choice: His favorite… he couldn’t pick any one movie… I told him even if it was a porn movie I would try to look for it and hone my lack of skills…”I don’t have favorites tho I do have a shemale fetish.”…just what I wanted to hear, right? Not! Another thing I remember about him if he wasn’t having sex he was masturbating and he enjoyed being watched. Near the end of our convo he does ask me to watch. Of course I make up excuses… all valid because like an omen both my brother in law and then my mom get up and walk around the house. He says how he’s been working his cock so it won’t take but 2 seconds. I finally say ok. Its not like I haven’t seen it or him doing that before… but I warn him I’m closing it in two seconds.. I accept and I spy his penis shooting (he has always been a shooter) the effects of his jack off. I close the webcam and tell him that was quite the money shot… to which he states that some of it shot over the comp and later he checked. Sure enough it had landed on the wall behind his computer.. He, the curiosity I keep in touch with, does not make me horny. Watching him jerk his penis around doesn’t either but now I’m looking at hentai titles and missing my man who is hours away. He asks what I’m doing. I tell him I wish my bf was there so I could fuck him silly… and that I figure I’ll read some literotica, then go to sleep. I haven’t been much of a masterbator myself but I was ready to, thinking of the nights Josh and I would lie awake and tell eachother stories from that site. Giving up on the stupid movie downloads I wished my old friend goodnight. And turn off the computer. No stories tonight, just sleep. The dreamless sleep of darkness. For if I dreamt, it was in black or a color close to it. Nothing more.

I feel slightly guilty now that it’s all written down. I got no pleasure besides the kind u get watching as a fun past time. Something I’ve watched before, countless times. Just not while i was in a relationship. I will not ever see this man again, and if I did I wouldn’t lay him… not anymore. As much a tease as I tend to be (sometimes I think I’m downright whorish) I am a one man woman, not to mention he himself has a girlfriend. He is a milestone tho, the first in my sex life, not a long lived one, but an important one. And I can gladly say I have only three. My current being the third. I miss him so much I ache or wake up at night only to want him there beside me, on top of me…or under me. I think i screwed it up with him by telling him about this crap. But he could mark it akin to a porno, 2 seconds worth of porn starring an ex. I’m sorry.