You said it seemed the World was against you… August 26, 2008

Why?

Why would a man lay a hand on a woman?

Why would a woman take it?

You can’t live on love alone,

Why would you try to die for it?

You’ve seen love’s ups and downs

Witnessed the smiles and the frowns.

You see the tears from all sorts of love.

Painful…my heart breaks for you.

breaks for your love.

When he hits you, he should picture his mother’s face…

and wonder why his hand is raised

Then wonder why your love is so unconditional

that you would stand there and take it, emotional;

But you still stand under him.

Under him because if you were his equal,

as lovers are, you wouldn’t be hit by him.

You wouldn’t be abused by him or be accepting of it…

like a bowed dog who comes to her master;

tail between her legs…

just for a pet or a good fuck.

I LOVE YOU!

You are the closest thing I’ve come to a lesbian love affair!

Granted no feelings of lust or any sexual shit, but still…

You are my sister and my heart breaks for you.

And if your mother knew he hit you what would she do?

The World isnt against you-

Its crying for you…and hoping you open your eyes.

This goes out to you, magpie… as close as a sister could be without blood.

:) August 26, 2008

I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited to go to the ren fest.. I am HORNY. I am up at 2:10 in the morning contemplating life and all the branches that spawn from mine in general. Life isn’t all great but its decent. I guess it doesn’t help when one fires a friend, but life has to go on and I have to sleep to take care of the niece and nephew @ 6 in the morning…

Life is looking up a little and I thank those who played a part in it.

“It’s the friends you can call at 4 in the morning that matter.” ~ Marlene B.

Consternation of a poisoned apple. July 9, 2008

Pros: I LOVE YOU, You are a gentleman. You can be brilliant. You will be a great chef. You can give me multiple orgasms at times <smirk>. I can wear your clothes. We both love garage sales. I want to be seen with you, I like holding your hand<even in public> you clean, you cook, you call me your motivation, you treat me like a queen and make me feel beautiful.

 

Cons: You smoke. You smoke. You rarely call, and even more rarely come over. It was better when you were half way across the country than it is with you three hours away. My friend says it’s my expectation of being able to touch/ see you more that isn’t being lived up to.  I drink… you drink, but not with eachother or in the same scene. Our music differences are miniscule but they are there. Our movie tastes are different… Sometimes things just need to be thrown away and you’re a bigger packrat than I am. You like to spend when you can and sometimes when you can’t. I can be that way too, but mostly I don’t like buying anything but books and some odd and very cheap trinkets and that’s when I have money burning a hole thru my pockets. Besides being packrat garage sale junkies we have nothing else on common ground. The weak crying girl in me that I don’t want to have comes out with you sometimes. You can be so moody too, and you won’t let me in. I think our age and maturity levels are a con simply because we want different wants out of life.

I’m content to be a hermit, you like friends. Your focus is on building a career, mine is more of being a homebody and being settled. Lately our silences have been heavy, instead of the carefree no need to talk because even the silence says “I love you” with each breath, silences. The worry of money when it comes to gas, and food, and the necessities are always on your mind, even when it pertains to visiting me. And what am I gonna do? I work every day except Sunday, have my mom drive me up? Stay a couple hours and have her drive me back down just to see you? You had been bald for how long before i got even a pic of it?

 you broke up with me…..

 

I endured you staring at me that whole day and the day after, then near the end of that day you say you don’t want “us” to end. Of course i take you back. Mom now thinks you came simply to break up with me and that you are cheating on me. I can’t tell if you are or aren’t but i trust and have faith that you would tell me if you found someone that you would then let me go. And so I stand by “us”. Our 1 yr anniversary is coming up…

How much longer will we stay together? Will you rethink breaking up? Will I? Are we doomed? Did i cause it?

Origami hell! April 24, 2008

Life can be hell sometimes. It’s more of a hell for some than others. Origami… hell… but…. Once the pieces are folded and shaped correctly…it could be a beautiful thing. Unlike the origami lily I tried to make today! Even with directions I was basically stumbling in the dark. Made many mistakes and in the end stapled every… single… corner… just so it stayed looking like a lily…. Then when I used the scissors to “roll” the paper where the petals would have gone… whoops! I ripped half the petal off! Mistakes, incorrect folds… cut corners and stapled/ forced unity….Ya got to love origami hell. The finished product looked a bit worn for wear but still discernable, even kind of pretty… in its own unique way.

Trees… Oh to be a tree… You sprout from a seed, a bulb, a root, a cutting from another tree…. You grown sometimes big, strong and beautiful, sometimes scraggly, other times you grow so crooked one can only tell you are a tree by your size and anatomy… root, long trunk, canopy….never mind the trunk bends upside down, or a bit to one side, then the other, then straight up then sideways again, theeeen  down. And when you die you remain, to rot and give nourishment to the surrounding ground. Or you get cut and made into sawdust, paper, charcoal, cat liter, gardening wood chips, and who knows what else… then when that’s done, once again… you are left to rot in the long lived death where your remains are disposed of. Or you are reused and made into many things in your afterlifetime, least of which is furniture. Like particle board! Ya got to love particle board furniture. It is so weak and so light, yet makes decent looking things that don’t last for CRAP! Yes a tree lives a relatively peaceful life until their death….. and origami…is one ring and layer of their hell, giving me hell. To fold is simple, to create flora, fauna and inanimate objects’ with folded paper, divine!

 

Corrupt and corroded…. April 17, 2008

ME: Hey, how do I download movies off the net?

HIM: um… Idk I’ve never done it.

ME: yes u have. Isn’t that how you got your best porn?

That’s how the convo started; He then tried to teach me how to download a program with much trial and error on my part. While the program downloaded I asked how he was. It wasn’t good. It never is with him. That man has always had a cloud over him someone, himself included, always deathly sick. Somewhere in the boredom of teaching such a nooblet how to download programs and open them he shows me a pic of some tidbit of lingerie his girlfriends sister bought. He thought he looked good in it. “Always the panty twister” I thought to myself and then typed it. His reply to that was how he had jacked off at work in his office into a sink conveniently located within said office and about the triumph that he wore a different thong to work every day of the last week. I was having troubles downloading the program and then later the file I was supposed to try. File choice: His favorite… he couldn’t pick any one movie… I told him even if it was a porn movie I would try to look for it and hone my lack of skills…”I don’t have favorites tho I do have a shemale fetish.”…just what I wanted to hear, right? Not! Another thing I remember about him if he wasn’t having sex he was masturbating and he enjoyed being watched. Near the end of our convo he does ask me to watch. Of course I make up excuses… all valid because like an omen both my brother in law and then my mom get up and walk around the house. He says how he’s been working his cock so it won’t take but 2 seconds. I finally say ok. Its not like I haven’t seen it or him doing that before… but I warn him I’m closing it in two seconds.. I accept and I spy his penis shooting (he has always been a shooter) the effects of his jack off. I close the webcam and tell him that was quite the money shot… to which he states that some of it shot over the comp and later he checked. Sure enough it had landed on the wall behind his computer.. He, the curiosity I keep in touch with, does not make me horny. Watching him jerk his penis around doesn’t either but now I’m looking at hentai titles and missing my man who is hours away. He asks what I’m doing. I tell him I wish my bf was there so I could fuck him silly… and that I figure I’ll read some literotica, then go to sleep. I haven’t been much of a masterbator myself but I was ready to, thinking of the nights Josh and I would lie awake and tell eachother stories from that site. Giving up on the stupid movie downloads I wished my old friend goodnight. And turn off the computer. No stories tonight, just sleep. The dreamless sleep of darkness. For if I dreamt, it was in black or a color close to it. Nothing more.

I feel slightly guilty now that it’s all written down. I got no pleasure besides the kind u get watching as a fun past time. Something I’ve watched before, countless times. Just not while i was in a relationship. I will not ever see this man again, and if I did I wouldn’t lay him… not anymore. As much a tease as I tend to be (sometimes I think I’m downright whorish) I am a one man woman, not to mention he himself has a girlfriend. He is a milestone tho, the first in my sex life, not a long lived one, but an important one. And I can gladly say I have only three. My current being the third. I miss him so much I ache or wake up at night only to want him there beside me, on top of me…or under me. I think i screwed it up with him by telling him about this crap. But he could mark it akin to a porno, 2 seconds worth of porn starring an ex. I’m sorry.

Tarutaru no more… April 12, 2008

I finally did it… I cancelled all content id’s for ffxi…… and i am going thru withdrawls when the whole reason i did was because i had NO time to play? now i find myself spending 30mins to an hour or morrre free…thinking… *GASP* I COULDA BEEN PLAYING MY GAME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

 

 

…not that there woulda been anything to do really.

                The game is social.

 

 

                                   …I’m very selective
                   social—bordering antisocial.

 

 

WHY AM I IN WITHDRAWL!!!!????!!!!                                    

Why does one sit where they are knowing they are drowning and that death isn’t far. November 24, 2007

♥•Why do i sit where i do? I sit at the foot of my mother, the breath of my siblings and the whim of my fruit. I sit…trodden and not willingly, and yet I sit. I am madly in love with a man who wants to move my seat… not behind him or below him but beside him. Yet my Logical mind says “This too shall pass.” and where will i sit then? And why do i sit? Ingrained mannerisms…strict upbringings? I am a jeleous sort. maybe its because i don’t want my spot, precarious as it is, to be taken over or zoned out. I loved another strongly and i feel because of this new love that love ended. It was a passing thing that lasted longer than it should have. Now i see the love with another once familiar name and they are always together…it sickens me. It sickens me more that since my gentle removal things have changed. People no longer look up to me or find comradery where there once was. Polite smiles and passing waves are all that are left since even my love left our make believe world. It is harder to live in that world. A couple of friends still put up with me… but i know my time in the fantasy is coming to a close. It doesnt help only i care for this world in the outside world… when told to jump i must jump and sometimes i say no only to be bitched at and told that if i do not jump My ties will be cut to that fantasy i use for escape.

Savage Garden “I want you” aka “Cherry Cola Song” October 5, 2007

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don’t need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and If it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of The Human Cannonball that
I need to I want to…

(Bridge)

Come stand a little bit closer
Breathe in and get a bit higher
You’ll never know what hit you when
I get to you

(Chorus)

Ooh I want you, I don’t know if I need you but
Ooh I’d die to find out
Ooh I want you, I don’t know if I need you but
Ooh I’d die to find out

I’m the kind of person who endorses a deep commitment
Getting comfy getting perfect is what I live for
But a look and then a smell of perfume
It’s like I’m down on the floor
And I Don’t know what I’m in for
Conversation has a time and place in the interaction
Of a lover and a mate but the time of talking
Using symbols, using words can be likened
To a deep sea diver who is swimming with a raincoat

(Bridge)

(Chorus)

Ooh, ahh…
Ooh, ahh…

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola
I don’t need to try to explain
I just hold on tight and If it happens again
I may move so slightly to the arms
And the lips and the face
Of The Human Cannonball that
I need to I want to…

October 4, 2007

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
–Dorothy Parker (1893 – 1967)

October 3, 2007

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”
James Baldwin