A New Year

Another year, new and fresh as the nearly nonexistant snow. I turned 30 this year, I have a gym membership. I am moderately happy. If only my son would do his homework, if only I didn’t dislike my job so much, life could be very nearly perfect.

Contemplations of a drunken mind

I found the santa ornament thing and it brought back thoughts of your mother and i wondered if
I should
say hi. let her know i still think about her and the family she has. or should just stay and let it pass because really? why bring up the past. right now i am swimming in tequilla and orange juice, chaser you know? and i wonder should i even be writing as if in a letter to someone whom i know i shall probably never see again? a few days ago i wanted to kill myself and fuck the world. today i am a virulent part of said world and cannot even think about such mundane things as death. In point of fact i need to get laid. i want to get fucked. i must find some human interaction from the opposite gender. i counted on my fingers how many partners I’ve had ive counted 6 technically a possibility of two others (one a blow job the other a single penetration and nothing more than this shouldnt be happening what have we done?)
i’m drunk. my head is listing and my eyes are closing and I find noone attractive anymore besides the women i kiss when i am dancing and enjoying myself to the hilt. hehehe… hilt… as if i had a dick! i wish i had a dick. life would be simpler more than likely. i want to know how things can continueon the course they have been on for so long? people make me sick. especially the old friends who nolonger talk to me or care and say hey i wonder what She is up to? or i wonder if she still thinks of me. I know every blue moon i still think of her. but all i have are these memories who lie and steal my past from me. that could be in a song. i forgot my password. had to get a new one. no clue how to make my own new one and too drunk to care. i love you theres been noone since you and you don’t even know. but if i had the chance to change that and put someone else there (my heart that is) i would change it. theres no reason in anything anymore let alone a reason for you to stay where you stopped wanting to be. and idk but i thin ksometimes if you wound up where you wanted to be. I know i’m not where i would have wanted to be when i was with you. and why i cant get over you i don’t know. and why i cant stand you (your face your friends, your ways) anymore i don’t know either. I don’t think i want to wait for you to grow up and mature again. i once thought you were very mature and then suddenly you were a child again. enamored of your freedom and not soon to rein in. not that i wanted you leashed. you know i would never have done you like that. i’m pretty sure i am, actually, over you. have been for a while but more into girls than was once my style. tho if you remember i wanted a female taru or two. idk what i’m saying anymore. i can barely stay awake to write and idk what i am writing about in the first place. lovers cheat and lovers lie, and lovers love til they Are the sky. and i want a lover to love as my own if only to fuck and only to bone. i want to be a sub to a dom who cares and i want to love like noone else dares. too bad i am so cold. right now i am quite warm but thats not the point. i want a collar round my neck and a nice big meaty dick! lol i made a rhyme! oh well. night.

True friends are there for you, even when they would rather be anywhere else in the world.

all in the day of…

or not.. either way i added some new poems that a friend asked me to make from topics of her choosing. And it has been a while but i finally put them in. idk maybe i’ll write in here more but morethan likely this is a sinking ship for my own thoughts on a wave of ugly feelings because my words are too deep for even my lips to lip synch and my fingers to drown in.

old bidy with cats… i mean fish.

i have come to realize that i will always be alone, i will grow old and alone and have noone. intimately that is, no soul mate… no other half, not even a shadow to call myown… i am destined for the rare infatuation and even rarer one nighters if even that…i am suffering my mortailty. and suffering alone.

this is where it starts, this is where it will end…

6 a.m. Christmas morning
No shadows
No reflections here
Lying cheek to cheek
In your cold embrace

So soft and so tragic
As a slaughterhouse
You press the knife
Against your heart
And say,
“I love you, so much you must kill me now”

I love you
So much you must kill me now

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Digging your smile apart
With my spade tongue
The hole is where the heart is
We built this tomb together
And I won’t fill it alone

Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart
This is where it starts…
Blood-stained sheets
In the shape of your heart
This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

6:19 and I know I’m ready
Drive me off the mountain
You’ll burn
I’ll eat your ashes
The impossible wheels seducing
Our corpse

If I was your vampire
Certain as the moon
Instead of killing time
We’ll have each other
Until the sun
If I was your vampire
Death waits for no one
Hold my hands
Across your face
Because I think
Our time has come

Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back
Beyond the pale
Everything is black
No turning back

This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

This is where it starts
This is where it will end
Here comes the moon again

Here comes the moon again

Here comes the moon again
                                                                                            ~If I was Your Vampire by Marilyn Manson

Tempted to start anew

I was tempted to write to you. after the status changes… i did and I;m sorry they held so much scorn. That wasn’t me before you left. I had actually tried to move on…went so far as making out with a much shorter tho very built Mexican man, he spoke no english and so wasn’t a threat to me granted I had been drinking and he even bought me a drink. so… i read your latest blog and my heart hurt from the mere realization you found someone before i did even tho she doesnt want your love? where as I feel i cannot love and you are continually on my mind. and I have to admit it was not to another josh that text that I no longer remember… it was me trying to get away from my feelings for you. because you hadn’t talked to me in forever and i was hurt and you said we would still be friends only to drop off the face of the earth. because even though you said you’d call you never did and when you did and i asked you you said you did but there was no proof… either way we had begun growing apart only i was still stuck, stunted, still stunted and unable to find love outside of my family and i feel sorry for myself. and friends came and went and a new cycle begins… shes trying to hook us up with other women. and she is a large beautiful married woman whom i wouldnt mind kissing but I don’t want anything from them besides their friendship and they too shall pass as much as two of them want me in their weddings… my pessemistic self showing its horrid face again. Im good at playing the normal happy content. better than the homicidal/ suicidal malcontent on the inside.and all i want is to have you hold me in our bed again. a year gone since youve gone and you have found someone to hang the moon and stars and your hopes and dreams on, while i sit in the darkness… and most of your texts that i did get weren’t for me they were for my family and that hurt too. I’m sorry i couldnt be your everything and im sorry you hit me so hard its hard to get unstuck and im sorry that it didnt work out and that we couldnt get past ourselves or eachother. there was a time i would have dropped everything to be your wifey but im also glad it never came to that because i can’t see myself there anymore yet i pine. I told you that i have only ever been in love once but you made it there. I understand that now, you are my big # 2 and who knows if there will ever be a third? will I die without ever finding my own soulmate? it seems every one is in the process of getting married or having children…i’m getting old i think. and i think death whispers in my ear that maybe a nicelongnap will suffice, i want to cry for thinking these thoughts, and i came to vent how i felt about you who hurt me and to vent at lifes unfairness and just to see if you had written anything on the blog you started for a girl you couldnt meet but wanted to love only to find that you still did, almost ruined my intentions. I didnt want to write what my lips refused to say to you if you were still writing on the offchance you read this but I’m not afraid, you have come and gone. and I am tempted to delete everything and start afresh. where the only eyes seeing this are my own.

you would like to keep intouch and I want to too but I won’t reply to you because even though it seems we unintentionally cut eachother out of eachothers lives, we are past eachother and you are in love again and i am going to cry because of jeleousy , because the simple fact you love someone hurts my heart so bad that I know I’m still not over you and i should be… that we didnt work because your hopes and dreams changed with the shifting seasons. and I hope that you and your family are well in life and that I can get on with mine and find mr? misses? right. if only to get over this damn ball in my throat when i see your face and if i delete you from my friendslists its because i love you too much to stay away and its the only way to do it. this chapter in my life 1 year gone on too long is closed and you along with it because staying in touch is too much torture. Wondering why you don’t call or write worrying about you and then seeing your face and your updates and knowing its for your friends and not anything I would be or could be involved in and it hurts to know you hurt but what can i do but be a sympathetic ear and wrench my heart out as you blurb and blather on about another woman? I can’t do that to myself. I’m sorry. anything else to gladly hear your voice again whispering sweet everythings in ny ear… so tempted to just erased everything.

You said it seemed the World was against you…

Why?

Why would a man lay a hand on a woman?

Why would a woman take it?

You can’t live on love alone,

Why would you try to die for it?

You’ve seen love’s ups and downs

Witnessed the smiles and the frowns.

You see the tears from all sorts of love.

Painful…my heart breaks for you.

breaks for your love.

When he hits you, he should picture his mother’s face…

and wonder why his hand is raised

Then wonder why your love is so unconditional

that you would stand there and take it, emotional;

But you still stand under him.

Under him because if you were his equal,

as lovers are, you wouldn’t be hit by him.

You wouldn’t be abused by him or be accepting of it…

like a bowed dog who comes to her master;

tail between her legs…

just for a pet or a good fuck.

I LOVE YOU!

You are the closest thing I’ve come to a lesbian love affair!

Granted no feelings of lust or any sexual shit, but still…

You are my sister and my heart breaks for you.

And if your mother knew he hit you what would she do?

The World isnt against you-

Its crying for you…and hoping you open your eyes.

This goes out to you, magpie… as close as a sister could be without blood.

:)

I’m not gonna lie, I’m excited to go to the ren fest.. I am HORNY. I am up at 2:10 in the morning contemplating life and all the branches that spawn from mine in general. Life isn’t all great but its decent. I guess it doesn’t help when one fires a friend, but life has to go on and I have to sleep to take care of the niece and nephew @ 6 in the morning…

Life is looking up a little and I thank those who played a part in it.

“It’s the friends you can call at 4 in the morning that matter.” ~ Marlene B.

Consternation of a poisoned apple.

Pros: I LOVE YOU, You are a gentleman. You can be brilliant. You will be a great chef. You can give me multiple orgasms at times <smirk>. I can wear your clothes. We both love garage sales. I want to be seen with you, I like holding your hand<even in public> you clean, you cook, you call me your motivation, you treat me like a queen and make me feel beautiful.

 

Cons: You smoke. You smoke. You rarely call, and even more rarely come over. It was better when you were half way across the country than it is with you three hours away. My friend says it’s my expectation of being able to touch/ see you more that isn’t being lived up to.  I drink… you drink, but not with eachother or in the same scene. Our music differences are miniscule but they are there. Our movie tastes are different… Sometimes things just need to be thrown away and you’re a bigger packrat than I am. You like to spend when you can and sometimes when you can’t. I can be that way too, but mostly I don’t like buying anything but books and some odd and very cheap trinkets and that’s when I have money burning a hole thru my pockets. Besides being packrat garage sale junkies we have nothing else on common ground. The weak crying girl in me that I don’t want to have comes out with you sometimes. You can be so moody too, and you won’t let me in. I think our age and maturity levels are a con simply because we want different wants out of life.

I’m content to be a hermit, you like friends. Your focus is on building a career, mine is more of being a homebody and being settled. Lately our silences have been heavy, instead of the carefree no need to talk because even the silence says “I love you” with each breath, silences. The worry of money when it comes to gas, and food, and the necessities are always on your mind, even when it pertains to visiting me. And what am I gonna do? I work every day except Sunday, have my mom drive me up? Stay a couple hours and have her drive me back down just to see you? You had been bald for how long before i got even a pic of it?

 you broke up with me…..

 

I endured you staring at me that whole day and the day after, then near the end of that day you say you don’t want “us” to end. Of course i take you back. Mom now thinks you came simply to break up with me and that you are cheating on me. I can’t tell if you are or aren’t but i trust and have faith that you would tell me if you found someone that you would then let me go. And so I stand by “us”. Our 1 yr anniversary is coming up…

How much longer will we stay together? Will you rethink breaking up? Will I? Are we doomed? Did i cause it?